Technology eh...

Only now am I beginning to appreciate the labors of companies who had outsourced work to India/China.

My Bodhi tree was my call today with one of my suppliers in Beijing. An urgent issue had arisen which mandated calling her during her travel.

Try and picture this and you'll understand what I am trying to say.

Dialing No. Connected to reception.

Receptionist: @^#*%^#@ (A 5-Star hotel reception, ladI y mutters something in Chinese).
Moi: R-o-o-m N-o. 9 0 3 please.

Some music. Sounded Chinese in origin.

Room No. 903: Hello, this is XYZ here.

Moi: Hi XYZ. How are you?
XYZ: Hi Harsh. I am sorry, I can barely here you. What is it you wanted?
Moi: I need the final file.
XYZ: What?? The original bill?

Moi: The F I N A L file.
XYZ: Can you please call me again to see if we can get a better line?

Hang-up. Process repeat, go back to Dialing no. Make 6 iterations.

Finally, I gave up thinking you might as well send me the bill for all this pain!!

Imagine the fun when you are calling from America (accent or no accent) to a telephone line in India in a plush BPO office some 40 kms outside Chennai village and trying to explain your payroll process to a "I can & will vonly speeeg Taamil" employee. You will end up getting pay-slips with all sorts of "Jalebi-like" sketches all over it!!

Today's lesson: Technology's goal is to introduce innovative avenues of hilarity in our lives ;).

Harsh.

A new-age wisdom :)

A good start to a working Tuesday morning.

You might have heard all of the following adages reflecting centuries of wisdom.

1. The grass is always greener on the other side, but it's just as hard to mow.
2. No matter which side of the rainbow you are on, the pot of gold will always appear at the other end.

Presenting my new-age take on the wisdoms-that-be :)

"The hotter chics are always on other men's arms, but they are just as hard to stick with."

Creativity rocks!!!

The world's best comedian - Ram Jethmalani

Presenting the Indian judiciary's leading star... Let the world watch and mock :).


http://www.ibnlive.com/videos/25393/exclusive-jethmalani-flays-media.html

Of pick-up lines and intentions.

My flatmate and I saw this movie called Bas Ek Pal starring Jimmy Shergill, Sanjay Suri, Urmila Matondkar, Juhi Chawla and one more listlessly passable weirdo.

Just a note out of benevolence. Consider going out to the nearby traffic light and watching cars come, stop at red and vroom away at green before you decide to dive in to this movie. It's only about half as interesting if not worse.

Anyways, getting back to the topic, I can summarize the background for today's post as under - Sanjay Suri is a USA-returned stud who flips out on Urmila seeing her at a pub, picks up a brawl with the guy who claims to be her man, ends up firing a pistol shot that paralyzes Jimmy Sherill and is thrown into jail.

Now, while in jail, he keeps on fantasizing about Ms. Tangmodkar. Now, I don't know whether that was a Cupid hangover or just his brain's hallucination trying to ease the pain while he was getting "done" by his cellmate :D. (A friend later pointed out that things actually happen and that it was surprising I didn't know about it. Darn!! I haven't been fortunate enough to have gone to jail, how am I supposed to know!!)

Well, so the movie meanders along. Cutting all the noise out, important thing is Urmila (who's engaged to Jimmy Shergill, Sanjay Suri is aware or this fact.) ends up going one night (Yes, it was raining, as if it had a choice of staying up in the heavens) to meet Mr. Suri who's managed bail. And then this sequence ensued, which sent the two of us rolling off the sofa to the floor, guffawing in laughter.

Urmila: Aakhir tum chaahte kyaa ho mujhse. (What do you expect from me?)

Sanjay: Maine teen saal jail mein roz yehi sapna dekha thaa. Jab main subah uthu, tum mere bagal mein leti huee ho aur tumhaare hoton pe halki si hansi chhayi huee hain aur main tumhaare komal badan ko *something something* (don't remember the Hindi).

Kyaa tum mera yeh sapna poora kar sakti ho??

(3 years in jail, I just had this dream. When I wake up each morning, I find you lying next to me, with a light smile on your lips and I caress your soft body. Can you fulfill this dream/desire of mine?)

Now neither of us, even in 70 lives, have a claim to fame of being lady-killers and being pundits on one-liners or the likes, but we both felt that this was a phenomenally pseud and sophisticated way of requesting a one-night fling. A really glib way off filing a corny request!!

To us, it had plain, simple SEX written all over it - in all CAPS, font size = 80 :).

Both of us dismissed it off saying that such shit wouldn't ever work!! But, vallah vallah...we later were forced to bite our tongues. When we narrated this story to a couple of female friends, they expressed totally polar views to ours - how romantic and thoughtful, not lustful and non-guys like!!

Can you believe that - it bloody does work!!

Now I get it. Our fundae are all screwed up. No wonder we are sitting at home on a lazy weekend watching such travesties!

A booster shot

Fattie, a.k.a. Priyatham (u asked for this!!), said something today that moved something inside me.

He narrated his visit to the hospital to see a friend and how he felt what a brave girl she was. How cheerful she was in the face of a plastic surgery!!

He said he almost broke down seeing her. He went on to say that he would never forget this Sunday in his life. It brought him immense resilience and resolve to never, never give-up in life.

I usually don't associate Fattie talking like this. Being honest Fattie.

But his words manifested into fort walls today - lofty, strong and infallible. Something about them gave me strength. And I needed it.

Was a indiffirent weekend, this one. Was feeling gnawed all through. Just generally.
Life is so difficult to fathom, so difficult to be in control of. But then, just when you are about to lay down arms, reinforcements come up from avenues you never expected or bothered to look to.

Thanx Fattie...the old Horsie will wake up again tomorrow, Monday morning.

The Steve Waugh spirit is rekindled.

The week in Sports

U.S. Open 2006

→ Roger Federer claims his 3rd successive US open and 9th career slam. Phenomenal!!

→ The ohhhhhh-so-sexy Maria Sharapova vanquishes Justine Henin-Hardenne for her maiden US open and 2nd career title. Hoping countless more follow ;).

→ Justine Henin becomes the first player since Steffi Graf to reach all 4 Grand Slam Singles Finals in a calendar year. She won the French but lost the other 3 - Australian & Wimbledon to Amelie Mausresmo and US to Sharapova.

→ First time in Tennis history that a male and a female player reach all 4 Grand Slam finals (Roger Federer and Justine Henin).

→ Martina Navratilova continues making a mockery of age and all sorts of records as she powers her way to her 59th career Grand Slam title partnering Bob Bryan for the Mixed Doubles.

→ Two tennis greats finally adieu to the courts - Andre Agassi and Martina Navratilova. Bleary eyes and heavy hearts the world over.

F-1, Italian Grand Prix @ Monza

→ Michael Schumacher & Ferrari once again outfox the nitwits at McLaren at pit strategy and win the race.

→ Alonso blows up his engine in his bloodrush allowing Schumacher to close to within 2 points of the championship lead.

→ The season's nicely poised for one of the tightest and fiercely, closely fought finales with the Chinese, Japanese and Brazilian Grand Prixs to come.

→ Michael announces his retirement shortly after his victory with the unimaginable 100 victories mark just a season away.

Cricket - DLF Cup, Malaysia

→ West Indies wither away and squander a golden chance of putting one over the indomitable Aussies as they lose 9 wickets for just 29 runs in the series opener.

→ Match 2: India vs. West Indies - Tendulkar returns with a bang to silence all those aspersing him as a Titan of the past by slamming 141 against the Windies. But it’s déjà vu all over again as the Indian bowlers get tonked all around the park and India lose the match courtesy M/s Duckworth and Lewis.

UEFA Champions League

The heavyweights of European football return to the biggest club football saga in the world. Amidst much fanfare, some clubs go about doing their business clinically – play football, score goals, win matches while others get lost in the blitz of the media lights.

→ Defending champions, Barcelona hammer 5 past new boys Levski Sofia.

→ Usual Suspects Chelsea, Milan, Bayern Munich all win comfortably scoring 2,3,4 goals respectively.

→ Valencia produce a masterful performance powered by Fernando Morientes’ hat-trick to win 4-2 away to Olympiacos.

→ Last year’s runners-up, Arsenal commence with a convincing win away to Hamburg with new signing Tomas Rosicky justifying his multi-million pound deal with a classy strike that will surely show up in the season’s best goals list.

→ The much hyped Real Madrid under Fabio Cappello once again disappoint as Lyon easily defeat them 2-0.

→ Liverpool make heavy weather of a reasonably manageable fixture, as they so often do, to earn a 0-0 draw in Eindhoven.

→ Celtic throw caution to the winds as they push Man Utd. To the edge and almost over as they make the Red Devils slug out a 3-2 victory at Old Trafford.

Name = Horsie, Work = Donkey's ;)

Without the slightest of doubts, my best day in life!!

Morning 10am - Night 9.30 pm: All I did today was data setup, cleaning and formatting today.

Activities include:

1. Copy pasting of cells from across Excel files - As the great gyaani Baba Mohanty would say, "draugg it".
   
   
2. Coloring various cells with the wonderful palate that Mr. Gates provided in his most benevolent gift to mankind so far
   I think I exceeded expectations on this activity today. Optimized on the color use - the file actually has an artistic hue to it now.
   The satisfaction one gets out of doing "creative" work is unparalleled. I titled my creation "Global Unity & Harmony" as that is what you'd get if you randomly mixed the colors of the flags of the world.
   
   Thinking of patenting this idea, selling it to Bill Gates/UNO/US President (the man concerned most about world peace). And ofcourse, all the proceeds will go to charity ;).
   
   
3. Reconciling 3 formats used for reporting the same data - I am only now beginning to appreciate the finer nuances of how sensational the Gillette methods of working are.
   Considering they had no significant competition to give them so much as a hiccup in this region, they had to indigenously come up with challenges for their employees - you have to be at the "cutting" edge.
   
   So, they came up with up an absolutely ingineous plan.
   Shipments, Consumptions and Annual reports are quoted in entirely anti-similar formats. Anti-similar as there's no obvious linkage between Shipments and Consumption of various brands. Infact, shipment data for the same country, brand, period combination when drawn from different sources can be conflicting. Sub-brand and group totals can exceed mother brand / company shipment totals :D.
   
   So, the challenge is to know the right source, all the right sources for the 500-odd SKUs that they have and the right brand list.
   
   Now, that's what I call challenging work!! And people wanted to participate in the Crystal Maze to test their claimed intelligence...idiots.
   
   Dumbguns, learn from Gillette - learn to make challenges for yourself by mangling and juggling around with your data. It will always keep your employees at their "sharpest".
   
   Obviously, such extra-ordinary methods were devised by some high-flying MBA. And you necessarily have to be equipped with an MBA to even being considered worthy of deserving a shot at this twister!!
   

What a day!! Wishing that my entire career is full of such days...

No, though I know you guys are envious, you can't bribe me out of my job.
I love my job!!!

New English word: Schumacher = perfection, domination, God-status

I don't know when I last felt so despondent. Michael Schumacher is retiring after this season.

An era 's ending in the history of sport. Not just F1, all sport. From the time when Ferrari was a car that had to be wrestled to the chequered flag to that sublimal 15-race dominating dream baby of 2004, Schumacher has single-handedly rewritten every single history book there ever was in F1.

He is a game changer. He is inspiration. He is supremacy. He is trying that one bit harder and beyond. He is the man that rewrote the very definition of perfection and domination.

There have been countless and there will be countless who every now and again will rise to prominence, surpass existing records and be masters of their own game. But rarely do Schumiz arise who transcend conventional boundaries of their spheres of excellence and go on to have a profound impact on human society in general. They become the benchmarks, the touchstones which the world would endeavor to equal endlessly. Lance Armstrong and Tiger Woods are the only two similar names that I can recall in contemporary sport. The FedExpress and maybe Rahul Dravid are on their way there. And I am pretty sure you can't append too many more names to this clique.

The jobless HR departments of the world (that tells you my opinion of them!!) would do well to take a cue from this chap's life. Put up his poster in office instead of making all those jazzy pin-ups with big-big words in them which do anything but motivate.

He's had his detractors and his moments of madness. But you can't take away his passion, his single-minded focus on winning everytime he got behind the wheel. It takes some fire in the belly to go and slug it out fortnight after fortnight when you know that you have nothing left to prove, that you sit unchallenged at the peak, that there are light years between you and your peers. God only knows what it takes to come out and dig in for some silly zig-zagging across a round circuit when you know your mother is also counting down a vital few seconds- albeit in a hospital bed.

I, for one, will definitely shed some silent tears. Cannot comprehend F1 as F1 without him.
Michael Schumacher - The Tiffosi God, the rainmaster, the legend...the world bows in deference.

An ailment called Apathy

During my round-up of the news today, stumbled upon the Jessica Lall murder case story. The accused doctor has appartently surrendered. That's all I know. So far.

Only after I had moved onto all the other more "interesting" news "stories", did this thought strike me as to how much indifference we Indians harbor in us. I just skipped over the story as though it were another flippant story.

Come to think of it - terrorist attacks, bomb scares, red alerts, devastating floods - have almost become daily, mundane chores in India's day. Scariest part is we seem to have internalized them just like share script swings from Siberia to Antarctica. And Dalal Street is more likely to cause the next emergency announcement in the country than serial blasts or floods in multiple states. :(

Back to the point: a big dimension of law is to set precedents and norms for the society as to what is acceptable and what absolutely isn't. Law works by example - that's the reality. People label Singapore autocractic - but look at the other side of the coin - it's close to a self-governing state. It is way too incomprehendible for an Indian who has just accepted the judiciary taking eons to even call so much as a Head or a Tail!!

If the gulity are actually brought to the book in the Jessica Lall case, it will be a landmark judgement in India's legal and social history. It will perhaps rekindle that dead spirit inside us telling us that a human life has value - every single one.

I personally too never realized this until I came to Singapore and were I in India currently, I am sure this entry would've been some electrical impulse in one of my neurons (few) that never quite sparked!!

Apathy and indifference could possibly, and quite easily, be the worst plague to have hit us - in epidemic proportions. Cure required...and real quick. Hoping that this case be the beginning of the End. Not a Fool's hope, I hope.

Cricket in throes...

I couldn't believe myself when I found Dumdum (remember, I have an evil twin ;) ) actually rooting for Pakistan in the 4th test of the England - Pak series.

Its saddening that even after all these years in international Cricket racism is so maliciously prevalent. Sub-continent players are penalized for what would be minor offences for the white teams while the whites - players and umpires - virtually get away with murder. Rahul Dravid - Michael Slater during the famous 2001 Calcutta test, Saurav Ganguly in Zimbabwe, Muttiah Muralitharan for chucking, Sachin Tendulkar - Glenn McGrath down under. South African cricket's unending troubles with the selection of black players..

And now, the ball tampering accusation on Inzy.

The magnitude of injustice against the brown and black skinned players seems to be amplifying ever more with each passing year.

Darrel Hair brought the entire game to disrepute with his audacious e-mail to the ICC and admittance to rigging of his umpiring decisions to favor the white teams. He literally slapped the ICC across the face, knowing they were a senile, spineless body of eunuchs who could cause him no harm even if they wished to.

And as expected, Mr. Hair is a forgotten chapter now. The spotlight now revolves towards the upcoming Champions Trophy in India.

Sports has an amazing knack of being able to show you the entire spectrum of human emotions and capabilities - from unabated ebullience of victory, masterful performances to the downright abject and detestable lows of doping, cheating, cold-blooded vendettas.

Perhaps reality is that these two aspects go hand-in-hand together - exactly like the precept of Dan Brown's Illuminati - perfect symmetry.

Engineers make brilliant Politicians...

Only recently I read a Singaporean minister's views on how to make Singapore an even bigger tourist attraction in a newspaper. If I enjoyed a franchise right here, I'd vote for him blindly.

The dude had this to say. It's no longer enough that Singapore is a safe and convenient haven for tourists. People want it be more lively and more happening. So, Singapore's taking definitive steps in this regard as tourism is a major lynchpin in this country's economy.

He then goes on to say that these days tourism is all about pleasure - carnal and material pleasures!! Strip bars, topless discs/dance bars, pick-up joints and the associated "night-life" are the next big catchment area.

At this point, I was like in awe of this person. Could immediately sense a connect of wavelenghts!!
Now before my character scores plummet to the levels of a certain Mr. Clinton, I shall clarify my reasons:

1. The engineer that I am, I figured in a second that this guy had to be an engineer. No two ways about it!! He demonstrated the classic engineer motto - If there ain't a problem, create one...then later go on and fix it.

Half the world is creating such a ruckus against such "pleasures" and our man here is talking of promoting them. Imagine tax payer's money finding the conduit to funding competitions like "Best Pole Dance", "Best assets" etc!! Rock on brother, you have 100% votes from people under 25 - infact they'll work double shifts if you actually pull this thru :D.

2. This style is quite similar to the Indian way of governance. Which makes me feel at home. For beautification's sake first raise a tree, then complain of too much oxygen, hence cut the tree down to a stump...and reinvent the wheel all over again!!

But I definitely ain't complaining!! I love Singapore.....

Fate...

A whole glass panel just collapsed today in Plaza Singapura (that’s where the StarHub office is).

It must have been atleast 4ft x 2ft in dimensions.
Right in front of my eyes, barely 10 mtrs away from me. It just gave way and fell all of 1 floor onto the escalator below.

The impact was ear shattering!! Almost like a bomb blast.

Had someone been on that escalator, Plaza Singapura to pakka band ho jaata.
Thank God no one got hurt.

Think about it...you could be having the happiest day of your life - strolling merrily around in a mall, girlfriend in arm, your wallet firmly housed in your back-pocket ;) and bam... This could be fate :(.

Think about it...

ATSC Nostalgia

Got a cable tv and an internet connection done today evening for our apartment. What the agent was saying would take 3-days and StarHub saying 6 days to get activated (and more money), we finished in 3 hours. Simply by going to the outlet personally, breaking our heads on what plans are the most economical, paying cash and taking hardware delivery.

Which brings me to Star Hub. Who ever knew choice could be such a big problem. Man, picking what plans to subscribe to today was one heckova pain!!

There are 3 basic services - mobile phone, Cable TV, internet broadband. A home landline service is also offered. Just for kicks!

And, as my ATSC lessons remind me, in a market dominated by few big players, tacit collusion tends to be the equilibrium state - whether Nash or Pareto - which moves the competition more towards the monopoly end of the scale.

So, bundling rules the roost and causes mayhem. Project details as under:

Data: We are existing StarHub mobile customers. That makes you eligible for discounts.

Constraints: Option of taking internet connection only for 6 months i.e. no lock-in period.

Objective: Optimize costs, get cable tv and internet service.

The variables governing choice of service are:
- Length of contract (lock-in)
- Monthly costs, Hardware and other initial costs
- Discounts and offers.

We had the following choices to pick from:

Plain vanilla contracts – No bundling, no fun, no cheap. So, no in feasibility list.

Bundled pack - Cable tv, internet, home line connection. Contract period - 1 year for all 3.
Discount of S$88 annually, hardware purchase costs waived off (which are artificially hiked in the first place). As you take all 3 basic services, you get an additional 15%, 10%, 5% off on mobile, cable, internet monthly bills for the first year. Throw in a home line with unlimited free local outgoing calls :D.

A corporate connection - You cannot bundle the three services now. Individual contracts for all three, pay only for 8 months of Cable TV in a year, internet connection no discounts, no hardware costs waived.

So, you can imagine how hard our already strained intellectual resources had to stretch to assimilate all the possible discount options and evaluate what was the objective meeting, constraint satisfying option (man, with so much jargon, I am beginning to sound like a consultant).
We tried all sorts of permutations and combinations, calculated total costs, tried the opportunity cost model, asked a zillion things and somehow eventually figured that a corporate connection for cable tv and a plain vanilla internet connection would work best for us. We were poring over this conundrum for over 1.5 hrs.

The girl who was attending to us was incredibly patient. Though I am sure by the end of it all, she was at her patience’s, sales skills’ and wits’ ends. We had toggled so many times, asked soooooooo many questions, pheuff!!

Good thing that we had already decided our TV channel mix beforehand. Else, that would have been another 45 mins smoked.

So, all-in-all life is now beginning to look up. We moved into this apartment on Monday night. Its huge…10th floor, nice breeze, lazing view!!

We have a net connection at home now – which is élan vital for all of us. Connected back to the world (literally and of course to the special people in India :P). The computer and messengers are like taking the proportion of food and water in life!!

Blooper of the day

Learnt today that you can't call South East Asians "Chinkis" as we desis would term them in Singapore as this was the term used as slander when the Japs ruled here during WWII. The term's considered derogatory enough to actually get you deported from Singapore!!

Infantry’s day out…

No bosses in office today. Not for the next 3 days. Yippieee...

No meetings, updates, reviews.
No mentors, other people to watch out for, project guide

Just the infantry's day out...office never felt so wonderful :D. Why shouldn't every day be so terrific?

Afterall, we too deserve happiness :P.

Give peanuts, get monkeys :)

Yesterday - Not the brightest of Mondays I have had. Basically, I am trying to do a tradeflow estimation.

Here’s how I’d summarize the project so far.

1. I am a new hire who is doing this without any training.
2. Now, since the brands whose estimations I am handling were acquired recently by us, I am essentially living the acquisition – learning the acquiree’s systems and trying to fit them in somehow into our systems.
3. The knowledge in the old system has been lost – simply ‘coz no one gives a damn - so basically I can summarize how most of work days progress by the picture below

Image courtesy: http://photos.surfline.com/albums/userpics/10102/

4. The guy in USA is asking my boss for a certain deliverable. Which he ofcourse is more than willing to promise – use thodi na karni hai Microsoft Excel se shaadi…

But, here’s the catch. The deliverable was never delivered even before the acquisition – reason being its way too much of an effort for the end purpose this estimation is going to serve. It’s a bit like trying to wield a bull just to hang your jacket on the horn!! :D.

Evidently, I had queries – on the methodology used to do the estimation. Which is when I heard the most amazing dialog in my stint at work so far. All credits and copyrights of the next few lines go to the guru in USA.

“Approach the project in this manner – think that there’s a party at your house. Obviously I am interested in the party in your living room and not your histrionics in the kitchen. So, why don’t you just serve me the goodies and let me decide on what I like best.”

Now that I think about this incident earlier in the day, I feel like saying this to him

“Dude…get real. Parties are for invitees. Those who gatecrash have to do the dishes and eat the leftovers.” :D. Different thing that had I said this, I would be working on a different b than my blog – biodata!! Lolss…

Gosh…I should have nailed this thing when I had the chance. Anyways, the obvious method in this case was – ASSUMPTIONS. This one word in English is a million blessings put together!!

Amazing that sitting in an A/C room in a plus Singapore office, I can govern how an entire country will play out for one entire year just by drawing a number I like and putting it into something as simple as F16 (an Excel cell!!).

This should be real good fun…delivery on Saturday. Which reminds me – bugger, pore over the excel and not on horsespeak…adios for now.

someone, somewhere....

said these beautiful words to me...

i love you babes....really.....

for this you i know.

that guy who is soooo typicallly a person

a real person...

now....

you dont see such people around anymore

very real....

honest...

faulty....proud of it...

great....proud of it...

works hard...

enjoys...

lives life....

wants a life...

and lives by his own code of honour

bad or good...

he owns it

doesnt live with the tide

and dreams...

he dreams about himself...

what he will do.....

he has no place in life for sand castles...

his dreams are real....you can feel then....you know they will happen....

no two ways about it...
just soo typical....
its a boon

you feel safe and alive...

atleast i do.

rarely are such words said in as much earnest. thanx a ton sweets!! u are ze beshtttt :P

I am afterall just human!!

Even the title holder of the World’s Biggest Liar (there’s actually a competition like that!!) would be put to shame if I were to crib about anything in my life. There’s nothing I can complain of – work, friends, comforts, freedom – financial and personal… Nothing!!

I have my dream job. Stay in a city that offers comforts that few others can even match up to. Have a circle of friends that I know would stand by me even through a cyclone. Know that there a lot of people who look up to me and would give anything to swap into my shoes.

However, the nag is relentless. The harder I try to quell it, the more imposing the questions get when they arise out of the shadows. I like to think of myself as an optimist and even have a history and a reason to believe so. Even though I try to convince myself and dismiss my thoughts as uncertainty driven blues, the feeling of hollowness refuses to die down.

Maybe this is the quintessential mid-twenties crisis. Somehow I don’t think so. Over the last few months have spent a lot of time with myself – introspecting and trying to foresee a vision for myself. And it’s been good. This is perhaps a manifestation in black and white of that process…

I am bloody hell proud of what I have achieved and done in life so far. I have given my 100% and more to whatever I wanted to do. I haven’t slipped up on any responsibilities I have had – be it as a son, a friend, a student, a Placecommer, a boyfriend. I have shown utmost loyalty, which holds supreme importance for me, to my guiding motto –

Karmanyeva adhikaraste maphaleshu kadachana

Makarma phala heturbhu mate sangotswa karmani

But that feeling of emptiness persists.

I am into the best years of my life now. And what the hell am I doing with them? What am I trying to achieve? Harsh Dhiren Shah, as I know him, has always been about making a difference, trying to contribute and improve things around him. He has been much like that spider who just never gives up till he completes his web. He has been about pursuing and spreading knowledge and goodness.

Am I doing all of that right now? Those painfully pointed, faultless, unquestionable truths stare straight into my face – where do I see myself one year from now? I will slog my ass off, please my boss, who in turn will please his white skinned boss and we shall all be one happy family. What will we have added to the world – sold a few million soaps or razors more?? A competitor brand will possess that one equity that we’d kill for our brand to possess!! Yeah, I’ll have good and bad days at work. On the bad days, maybe these thoughts dominate. But then on the good days, I should be rejoicing, shouldn’t I?

Kyaa fark pad jaayega isse…kuch paise koi gora zyaada banayegaa, jismein se hum ek ratti bhar hissa leke khush honge.

Make no mistake, my company is probably as good as it gets – excellent people, excellent policies, opportunities galore – it’s a privilege and honor to be associated with this name. And am proud as hell to be part of this coterie!!

Somehow, I am not convinced – something is amiss. Outside of those four glass walls that I call office, my boss means nothing to me. (Not the one in India, I think he’s Godlike!! Among the most highly regarded in the company, ecstatic to be working with him). And I am toiling night and day for him!!

What about the people who mean the world to me – my parents, my family, my friends, my people? (yeah Niki, for all my scoffing and scathing, apne log apne log hain. Apni mitti, apni mitti hain...)

I can feel my mother’s longing and angst pain every single time I speak to her. Every single time it shatters me – can’t ever forgive myself for putting her thru this.
For too long have my Dad & Grandpa ground themselves into the earth to give us kids all the luxuries in life. For too long have they had to face worries and tensions…

Isn’t it about time that I took up the mantle? I guess the call to arms will keep on clamoring till it gets answered.

What is it that I really want to do? Zindgi mein kuch aisa karenge jisse kisi ko to duniya mein fark padein. Jisse hum itna to taan ke keh sake, ki haan yeh maine kara hain, yeh bahaarein maine failaayeen hain. Varnaa bas, ek aur job-goer banker eh jaayenge – office jaayenge, boss ke liye kaam karenge, promotion ke liye marenge, sabun aur shampoo bechenge aur ek din mit jaayenge. And the earth shall keep rotating!!

Nahin yaar, yeh main nahin hoon. When I look back at my past, I see people thinking about me and breaking into a smile that this one left behind something that made our lives simpler, better.

Zindgi khud ke liye jiye to kyaa jiye,

zinda to aap tabhi ho

jab koi aur aapke ehsaas ke liye tarse…

Yeh main hoon. Filmi to filmi hi sahi, par yehi mera astitva hain!

Who are the people that I admire the most? The ones that I look up to ever so often? My dad, my mentor at IMS. Why? These people did nothing exceptional – yet they metamorphosed my life from a cycle of 24 hrs into a joyride worth dying for. They just held the torch high above my head so that I could see that the world lay before me; it was mine to conquer. They showed me the power of dreams and also the path to turning them into reality. To you, Asan Sir - friend, mentor, and guide – you were the difference in my delivering and landing into an IIM. He single-handedly took me to a wonderland called IIM L and gave me something that I shall cherish for as long as I am alive.

Such gifts are the best ever given and the ones most remembered. I wish I could do something of this sort!!

Unfortunately (why?), there are only questions at the moment in my head – it goes against my training as a management student that the obsession should be with answers. And life goes on, time just endlessly keeps on turning its charkha and spinning its gossamer. Till I arrive and find the courage in me to cast off the cocoon of security I have withdrawn into, I shall continue to be human and grapple with more mundane concerns such as earning my bread and having enough to enjoy luxuries in life. I think it’s okay to be human…

a must read

http://o3.indiatimes.com/yossarin/archive/2006/08/10/1191602.aspx

Friday night, Singapore cinema hall & a Hindi movie!!

There's hope for people who are bald and need hair grafting, 'coz every once in a while the junkpot called bollywood churns out blessings like Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. Along with the movie, maybe distributors should also distribute hair collectors to theatres. 'Coz I am sure there'd many more unsuspecting souls like poor old me who'd go watch it w/o a review and end up with a few 1000 strands less on their skulls!!

Presenting a review for the sake of merely saving a few fellow desis some 4 hrs of agony. Karan Johar, plz dont construe this as an attempt to dampen your profits. From the bottom of my heart, I wish u get rich, buy a villa in some outlandish island far far away from India and settle down there with your gay partner (read SRK). It will spare us the mental (I am an engineer and the movie is the antonym of logic), emotional (I learnt a new lesson on relationships which blew everything I had learnt so far awry), physical (I got sore knuckles as I punched the seat in front of me to vent out my frustration) and financial trauma (11 $ ouch!! we also booked tickets in advance on the net, that too at a distant theatre and took a taxi to the place for punctuality).

Just a warning before the review. I have bouts of schizophrenia at times (!!). So in case my evil twin called "Dum(b) Dum(b)" makes a comment or two during my narrative, kindly pardon me (him?? - I need to figure out who is to be forgiven!!).

I. The characters:
SRK: perenially grumpy, peeved langda (henceforth referred to as "GPL" - pun absolutely intended!!).

Rani Mukherjee: roz roz morose and rotdu school teacher. (henceforth referred to as
"on-demand tears").

Abhishek Bacchan: funky, koool dood who just wants some "pleasure" from his wife. (henceforth referred to as "normal dood").
Preity Zinta: who's she? dont blame me for missing her while i was trying to stop my nice tresses from being ravaged. lets call her "normal chic".

Amitabh Bacchan: I, for one, honestly dont understand why he's even there in the movie. I think he’s pretty much superfluous to the plot. But going by his antics in the film, I shall refer to him as TB (in reverence of the skills that buddhas – read Saurabh Mathur - seem to possess at flirting, cassanoving with girls their daughter’s age!!).

Kirron Kher – GPL’s mom whose G is constantly ogled at by TB. Indians believe in opulence and magnitude – of everything – so, we shall not fault Ms. Kher for her generosity in presenting hers for the pleasure of Mr. TB. You’ll realize why she doesn’t need to be christened as the story unfolds.

Dum Dum: dood, it’s a big Indian family drama – mummy, papa ke bina movie nahi ban sakti. . Don’t u dare say a word about hindi movies.

II. The storyline:

Background – NYC. GPL and normal chic are college sweethearts and are married. GPL is a soccer stud (excuse me??), complete with all Beckham style tattoo on his arm. Normal chic has gone for an interview for posting as an editor of some fashion magazine. Elsewhere, GPL’s mom is overseeing catering arrangements at normal dood’s to be wedding with miss on-demand tears.

I couldn’t help notice the minor blemish the movie starts with.

The film rolls off with our hero bamboozling 10 opponents in a football match (K3G anyone) with 2 mins to the clock (I bet he couldn’t bamboozle even a nursery kid even if he had like 2 hours to do it). Gets fouled, earns a penalty – as if there was a choice, scores – as if… The camera goes away covering the goal celebrations – the scorer puts his shirt over his head – here, the scorer is shown to be bare-chested (not wearing an inner). A close-up of GPL follows where he has his shirt over his head, but vallah vallah – he has an inner!! Wow – wasn’t tht quick… (I think GPL had to hide the scratch marks he must’ve got the previous night from Mr. Johar.)

Anyways, so GPL is grumpy, as usual, that his normal wife has gone for an interview and isn’t at the match. So he has to go pick up his mom from the wedding. Mom says I am busy, GPL goes to the garden.

In garden, there is bench. On bench, there is soon-to-be-mrs. On demand tears mulling over whether she should marry the normal dood (who has been wooing her for 3 yrs incidentally). Amazingly, GPL, whose own marriage is no Bee Gees runaway hit, offers her advice, asks her to get married. Tells her not to be talking to paraaya mard as she’s committed and instead get married.

Dum Dum – kitna accha banda hain, ladki ko jaanta tak nahi aur kitni madat karta hain uski.

Message so far – all u single gals out there, take marriage advice from complete strangers. It works wonders!! Single guyz, very bad idea to have GPL talking to your brides to be before your marriage (remember Salman-Kajol from KKHH!!). it almost certainly means aap “begaani shaadi mein Abdulla deewaana” pe naachoge kuch der baad.

The dialog which follows from on-demand tears as the two leave the bench mandates the creation of a new category of awards called “Geeta Saar dialog” as they explain realities of life to which an average human is totally oblivious. She says “Kabhi Alvida.. Kehna, isse milne ki ummeed mit jaati hain. Kyaa pata hum fir mile..”

Wow, I feel blessed. Met the goddess herself in her full ornate, undiminished greatness!!

Now its GPL’s turn to mull. The characterless idiot is thinking about what paraayi aurat has said, doesn’t watch the car on the road, gets hit. Obviously, it’s the driver’s fault!! Thus, Mr. GPL goes from becoming Beckham to Steve McLaren (Mac who??)

Hence, the lives of two main characters change forever. Mr. GPL becomes langda - thts the sole reason of all his lives’ frustrations and he becomes perennially grumpy.

Cut to 4 year’s later. Normal dood loves his wife like hell, his only fault being his normalcy. He likes laughing, wants some action.., likes partying, his work, night life. On-demand tears can’t conceive, is obsessed with cleaning her house and “discussing” things, sheds oodles of tears. (Gujarat and AP – please don’t screen this movie in your state. The flood situation is grim anyways!!). On-demand tears, evidently, feels distant in her relationship.

Common, a normal husband who loves you is such a bore!!

Dum Dum: Usko shaadi mein philosophical satisfaction chahiye..vaah vaah – kyaa adarsh naari hai. Mera saadar pranaam aapko.

GPL obvio is on his hate everything tirade. Normal wife works hard, is overworked, can’t spend enuff time wid her son (4 saal mein ho gaya :P). Kid loves violin more than balls, GPL’s life cudnt suck anymore now, could it?

Before you think this is headed nowhere and switch to another read, lemme introduce more hogwash. Some tomfoolery about a child kidnapper follows, GPL mouths more insults, antagonizes and scares his kid, ODT (on-demand tears) runs with GPL’s kid, GPL throws a football and knocks her down (our hero is like super man yaar, football ke saath saath handball ke bhi champion hain!!). Both end up in hospital, on-adjacent beds (c’mon – this isn’t coincidence. All foreign hospitals keep inmates with dangerous symptoms – Indians – together). Respective spouses show up, schmooze, take spouses and go. In the interim, more gyaan and “my marriage sucks” cribs flow.

Now, for the life of me I couldn’t figure out in the entire 3.5 hrs of the movie and the two weekend days after my harrowing experience why ODT and GPL had problems in their marriages. Eventually, I am going to lay my troubled mind at rest by believing that they did as they had nothing better to do.

Message no. 2 - Boy, I’ve learnt my lesson! When I get married, I sure am not going to love my wife as hell, work hard to keep her happy – don’t believe whatever marriage advice the elders give you. That must have been applicable in the 15^th century. This is the 21^st one, be like GPL – the dream husband!!

To save their respective marriages, ODT and GPL become friend’s first, then marriage consultants to each other. Sorry, McKinsey and BCG – you were wrong to think you needed IIM grads for consulting. All you need is insults, tears and a loserly attitude in life. Success guaranteed!!

More hogwash follows. ODT tries to become Madonna from Meera and turns up like a sex-kitten right when the normal dood has invited some 50 of his friends for a party. GPL tries to play masseuse to normal chic and ends up delivering a massage that I am sure must have felt as relieving as having two hammers prod you at weird angles. So much for innovation!!

So, GPL and ODT oscillate between finding reasons to fall in love with each other and trying to revive their marriages. One night both end up taking their respective spouses to some ballet (GPL’s dialog here about men showing off their uh hmm in a ballet actually did make me laugh). ODT gives normal dood a opening by leaning on his shoulder, the dood takes his chance, gets a li’l cosy. GPL in the opposite window seeing this gets livid, starts fiddling with his normal chic. Ballet ends. Paramgyaan dawns on both ODT and GPL that they love each other!!

Next day, it rains. Both meet at the harborfront. ODT feels bad at having played around with her hubby dear. This time, GPL is just grumpy that ODT had sex with normal dood even while he possesses a normal libido and the associated assets. Shouts at ODT, ODT overwhelms even the mighty rainclouds this time (I wonder how the harborfront took the double onslaught! Bhai, amrika mein kuch bhi ho sakta hain..). Just to get even, they go to a hotel only to make out. I think the rain was a li’l too uncomforting, else I was willing to bet all my dollars that we would have seen Tarzan and Jane on the harborfront itself!

Dum Dum: tum pyaar ke bare mein kyaa jaano... jisse pyaar karte ho use kisi aur ke saath dekhke kya guzarti hain, yeh tumhaara engineer dimaag kabhi nahi samjhega, iske liye dil chahiye.

Me: dum dum, mujhe to lagaa GPL ne kahaa uske liye kuch aur chahiye. Tum decide karlo tum kiski side par ho.

Extra-marital affair. Hai rabba!! Kehar barsega ab.

More trash. I have lost about 4000 strands by now. Total theatre count – nearing 0.25 million.

One-fine day, TB and Ms. Kher (who have become friends…Surprise surprise!!) discover the amorous flings of ODT and GPL outside the station. TB suddenly is on the death day the next day. Normal dood is losing the second pillar of his life (first being ODT), breaks down in ODT’s arms, leaving poor old ODT feeling guilty. TB dies. More tears from Mrs. ODT.

Some stats at this moment in the movie,
Volume of ODT’s tears = Volume of water drained by the Ganges in a year.
No. of insults flung by GPL = No. of runs scored by Sunil Gavaskar in tests (approx. 10000)

Saare fasaad ke jad hi yeh station hain. Na station hota, nay eh dono milte, na dono harkatein karte. I suggest a rebellion – trains ko band kariye, bail gaadiyaan bithaaye public transport mein.

Eventually, GPL and ODT decide that they have done enough timepass and its time to check on their spouses. So, they go back and confess.

Dum dum: sach ki hameshaa jeet hoti hain. Inhone apne aap se uth kar, sach ko hi sanjoya...dhanya hai yeh dono premi.

The normal dood and chic decide they only can be normal and not supernormal. So, normal dood and normal chic lose it - ask both the lovers to leave their house. How cruel!! Atleast they said the truth. Confessed to having an affair and generally having a one-night stand for the heck of it, but now only the normal ones would be their focus.

By now, I am almost praying for someone to stick some chloroform in my face. I am traumatized to the extent that I can’t even sleep in the theatre. (I couldn’t have left earlier, had constraints that had to be complied with).

But guess what, this wasn’t the almost mythical climax of the movie. It is yet to come. Cut to 3 year’s later. ODT and GPL who used to tell each other how they hated the underwear color choices of their other halves, don’t tell each other that they were thrown out. What a shame!!!

Obvio no hindi movie can end in misery. There had to be a good Samaritan making an appearance somewhere. So, normal dood dons the role. Decides to marry an angrez chic (forgive him for giving up on desis). Traces ODT, asks her to become his best man (?? – what is going on!!).

At the wedding, ODT runs into normal chic. Normal chic continues being her normal self, tells ODT that she threw GPL out and that GPL is leaving for Toronto at this moment (no prizes for guessing his choice of transport). The usual melodrama and hugging follows (normal dood even gets the bride’s bouquet for ODT. And I was ready to believe that he’d have even driven her to the station riding a ambassador like a Ferrari!).

On-demand tears gets to the station, GPL avoids her. Their eyes just meet as the train is leaving. ODT is more morose and sheds more tears. GPL comes back in the next train. More pouting, mushiness follow. Eventually, both love each other and the rest I shall leave to your imagination. Though there’s very little required!!

Message 3: Whoever said fidelity and morality were virtues. Monogamy counts for nothing. Sleep around, get lucky – there will still be hope for you in life…

Moral of the story – learn your lessons and stick to them like dogma. DON’T EVER WATCH A HINDI MOVIE WITHOUT READING THE REVIEWS. Especially, if directed by a gay lunatic and acted in by his gay partner. It is more likely to be a purified version of an orgy than a chapter on relationships and life!!

About time I got this underway! Somebody told me that I should get online, “it’d be very very kooool”. Well then, here I ramble.

Truly speaking, I have been thinking about letting my fingers caress the keys long time ago. But then could never quite figure out why someone would want to go thru all the effort of first thinking all his thoughts again, picking out good words so that some unknown soul on the planet can visit your blog, laugh, get amused, comment go back to ….. (what were you thinking!!). God bless the Good Samaritan!!

Well, there’s a lot in the past which would make excellent reading. But laziness is god’s greatest virtue grant to mankind. Mama told me practice virtues. So, me good boy, shall let the past remain buried in the grey and white of my “brain” (this is precisely why the word oxymoron was coined!!).

Singapore

I am in Singapore atm. Koool, isn’t it?? That’s what everyone seems to be thinking and saying. More money, a really sexy place, no fight in life, eye candy on demand ( check my orkut about me section for this ;) ). But there’s another side to the story. It’s the basic rule of creation – everything is symmetrical and anti-thetical. Matter : Anti-matter, Good: Bad, Horror: Hope. Feel like the Illuminati (Dan Brown’s Angels & Demons).

Maybe it is the initial anxiousness speaking at the moment, but there have been considerable stretches of time when I’ve felt alone. Well, given that I am a social animal (vot says AB, Sid and Asin??), needless to say that these stretches put considerable strain on my already strained intellectual resources.

Is this the right decision. I miss so many people who are so precious to me. Mom, dad, Grandpa, my cousins. What’s the price I am paying. What’s the price my parents are paying. What happens to my personal life. No campus talk twice a day for hours as I used to in India, chat schedules have to be synchronized (I am gonna put a official calendar entry so that no one in office schedules a meeting then!!). devils do tend to brood and make themselves big when the mind is unoccupied :(.

Well, one thing that hasn’t changed is – Niki. She’s been with me through these 4 months and this transition as steadfastly as Gimli, Legolas with Aragorn. Not half of this would have been possible if my consultant wouldn’t have been there. Owe you big time, you've been a real sweetheart.

Guess my blog’s now starting to read like one of these technical papers on IEEE 812A.v02.x protocol or some management guru’s paper on the autocorrelation coefficient between condom sales and a country’s GDP ;). Point being, enough verbal diarrhea for a first post!! Think I have blabbered long enough and boring enough.

Till I fall into the vice again!