I am afterall just human!!

Even the title holder of the World’s Biggest Liar (there’s actually a competition like that!!) would be put to shame if I were to crib about anything in my life. There’s nothing I can complain of – work, friends, comforts, freedom – financial and personal… Nothing!!

I have my dream job. Stay in a city that offers comforts that few others can even match up to. Have a circle of friends that I know would stand by me even through a cyclone. Know that there a lot of people who look up to me and would give anything to swap into my shoes.

However, the nag is relentless. The harder I try to quell it, the more imposing the questions get when they arise out of the shadows. I like to think of myself as an optimist and even have a history and a reason to believe so. Even though I try to convince myself and dismiss my thoughts as uncertainty driven blues, the feeling of hollowness refuses to die down.

Maybe this is the quintessential mid-twenties crisis. Somehow I don’t think so. Over the last few months have spent a lot of time with myself – introspecting and trying to foresee a vision for myself. And it’s been good. This is perhaps a manifestation in black and white of that process…

I am bloody hell proud of what I have achieved and done in life so far. I have given my 100% and more to whatever I wanted to do. I haven’t slipped up on any responsibilities I have had – be it as a son, a friend, a student, a Placecommer, a boyfriend. I have shown utmost loyalty, which holds supreme importance for me, to my guiding motto –

Karmanyeva adhikaraste maphaleshu kadachana

Makarma phala heturbhu mate sangotswa karmani

But that feeling of emptiness persists.

I am into the best years of my life now. And what the hell am I doing with them? What am I trying to achieve? Harsh Dhiren Shah, as I know him, has always been about making a difference, trying to contribute and improve things around him. He has been much like that spider who just never gives up till he completes his web. He has been about pursuing and spreading knowledge and goodness.

Am I doing all of that right now? Those painfully pointed, faultless, unquestionable truths stare straight into my face – where do I see myself one year from now? I will slog my ass off, please my boss, who in turn will please his white skinned boss and we shall all be one happy family. What will we have added to the world – sold a few million soaps or razors more?? A competitor brand will possess that one equity that we’d kill for our brand to possess!! Yeah, I’ll have good and bad days at work. On the bad days, maybe these thoughts dominate. But then on the good days, I should be rejoicing, shouldn’t I?

Kyaa fark pad jaayega isse…kuch paise koi gora zyaada banayegaa, jismein se hum ek ratti bhar hissa leke khush honge.

Make no mistake, my company is probably as good as it gets – excellent people, excellent policies, opportunities galore – it’s a privilege and honor to be associated with this name. And am proud as hell to be part of this coterie!!

Somehow, I am not convinced – something is amiss. Outside of those four glass walls that I call office, my boss means nothing to me. (Not the one in India, I think he’s Godlike!! Among the most highly regarded in the company, ecstatic to be working with him). And I am toiling night and day for him!!

What about the people who mean the world to me – my parents, my family, my friends, my people? (yeah Niki, for all my scoffing and scathing, apne log apne log hain. Apni mitti, apni mitti hain...)

I can feel my mother’s longing and angst pain every single time I speak to her. Every single time it shatters me – can’t ever forgive myself for putting her thru this.
For too long have my Dad & Grandpa ground themselves into the earth to give us kids all the luxuries in life. For too long have they had to face worries and tensions…

Isn’t it about time that I took up the mantle? I guess the call to arms will keep on clamoring till it gets answered.

What is it that I really want to do? Zindgi mein kuch aisa karenge jisse kisi ko to duniya mein fark padein. Jisse hum itna to taan ke keh sake, ki haan yeh maine kara hain, yeh bahaarein maine failaayeen hain. Varnaa bas, ek aur job-goer banker eh jaayenge – office jaayenge, boss ke liye kaam karenge, promotion ke liye marenge, sabun aur shampoo bechenge aur ek din mit jaayenge. And the earth shall keep rotating!!

Nahin yaar, yeh main nahin hoon. When I look back at my past, I see people thinking about me and breaking into a smile that this one left behind something that made our lives simpler, better.

Zindgi khud ke liye jiye to kyaa jiye,

zinda to aap tabhi ho

jab koi aur aapke ehsaas ke liye tarse…

Yeh main hoon. Filmi to filmi hi sahi, par yehi mera astitva hain!

Who are the people that I admire the most? The ones that I look up to ever so often? My dad, my mentor at IMS. Why? These people did nothing exceptional – yet they metamorphosed my life from a cycle of 24 hrs into a joyride worth dying for. They just held the torch high above my head so that I could see that the world lay before me; it was mine to conquer. They showed me the power of dreams and also the path to turning them into reality. To you, Asan Sir - friend, mentor, and guide – you were the difference in my delivering and landing into an IIM. He single-handedly took me to a wonderland called IIM L and gave me something that I shall cherish for as long as I am alive.

Such gifts are the best ever given and the ones most remembered. I wish I could do something of this sort!!

Unfortunately (why?), there are only questions at the moment in my head – it goes against my training as a management student that the obsession should be with answers. And life goes on, time just endlessly keeps on turning its charkha and spinning its gossamer. Till I arrive and find the courage in me to cast off the cocoon of security I have withdrawn into, I shall continue to be human and grapple with more mundane concerns such as earning my bread and having enough to enjoy luxuries in life. I think it’s okay to be human…