There's hope for people who are bald and need hair grafting, 'coz every once in a while the junkpot called bollywood churns out blessings like Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. Along with the movie, maybe distributors should also distribute hair collectors to theatres. 'Coz I am sure there'd many more unsuspecting souls like poor old me who'd go watch it w/o a review and end up with a few 1000 strands less on their skulls!!
Presenting a review for the sake of merely saving a few fellow desis some 4 hrs of agony. Karan Johar, plz dont construe this as an attempt to dampen your profits. From the bottom of my heart, I wish u get rich, buy a villa in some outlandish island far far away from
Just a warning before the review. I have bouts of schizophrenia at times (!!). So in case my evil twin called "Dum(b) Dum(b)" makes a comment or two during my narrative, kindly pardon me (him?? - I need to figure out who is to be forgiven!!).
I. The characters:
SRK: perenially grumpy, peeved langda (henceforth referred to as "GPL" - pun absolutely intended!!).
Rani Mukherjee: roz roz morose and rotdu school teacher. (henceforth referred to as
"on-demand tears").
Abhishek Bacchan: funky, koool dood who just wants some "pleasure" from his wife. (henceforth referred to as "normal dood").
Preity Zinta: who's she? dont blame me for missing her while i was trying to stop my nice tresses from being ravaged. lets call her "normal chic".
Amitabh Bacchan: I, for one, honestly dont understand why he's even there in the movie. I think he’s pretty much superfluous to the plot. But going by his antics in the film, I shall refer to him as TB (in reverence of the skills that buddhas – read Saurabh Mathur - seem to possess at flirting, cassanoving with girls their daughter’s age!!).
Kirron Kher – GPL’s mom whose G is constantly ogled at by TB. Indians believe in opulence and magnitude – of everything – so, we shall not fault Ms. Kher for her generosity in presenting hers for the pleasure of Mr. TB. You’ll realize why she doesn’t need to be christened as the story unfolds.
Dum Dum: dood, it’s a big Indian family drama – mummy, papa ke bina movie nahi ban sakti. . Don’t u dare say a word about hindi movies.
II. The storyline:
Background – NYC. GPL and normal chic are college sweethearts and are married. GPL is a soccer stud (excuse me??), complete with all Beckham style tattoo on his arm. Normal chic has gone for an interview for posting as an editor of some fashion magazine. Elsewhere, GPL’s mom is overseeing catering arrangements at normal dood’s to be wedding with miss on-demand tears.
I couldn’t help notice the minor blemish the movie starts with.
The film rolls off with our hero bamboozling 10 opponents in a football match (K3G anyone) with 2 mins to the clock (I bet he couldn’t bamboozle even a nursery kid even if he had like 2 hours to do it). Gets fouled, earns a penalty – as if there was a choice, scores – as if… The camera goes away covering the goal celebrations – the scorer puts his shirt over his head – here, the scorer is shown to be bare-chested (not wearing an inner). A close-up of GPL follows where he has his shirt over his head, but vallah vallah – he has an inner!! Wow – wasn’t tht quick… (I think GPL had to hide the scratch marks he must’ve got the previous night from Mr. Johar.)
Anyways, so GPL is grumpy, as usual, that his normal wife has gone for an interview and isn’t at the match. So he has to go pick up his mom from the wedding. Mom says I am busy, GPL goes to the garden.
In garden, there is bench. On bench, there is soon-to-be-mrs. On demand tears mulling over whether she should marry the normal dood (who has been wooing her for 3 yrs incidentally). Amazingly, GPL, whose own marriage is no Bee Gees runaway hit, offers her advice, asks her to get married. Tells her not to be talking to paraaya mard as she’s committed and instead get married.
Dum Dum – kitna accha banda hain, ladki ko jaanta tak nahi aur kitni madat karta hain uski.
Message so far – all u single gals out there, take marriage advice from complete strangers. It works wonders!! Single guyz, very bad idea to have GPL talking to your brides to be before your marriage (remember Salman-Kajol from KKHH!!). it almost certainly means aap “begaani shaadi mein Abdulla deewaana” pe naachoge kuch der baad.
The dialog which follows from on-demand tears as the two leave the bench mandates the creation of a new category of awards called “Geeta Saar dialog” as they explain realities of life to which an average human is totally oblivious. She says “Kabhi Alvida.. Kehna, isse milne ki ummeed mit jaati hain. Kyaa pata hum fir mile..”
Wow, I feel blessed. Met the goddess herself in her full ornate, undiminished greatness!!
Now its GPL’s turn to mull. The characterless idiot is thinking about what paraayi aurat has said, doesn’t watch the car on the road, gets hit. Obviously, it’s the driver’s fault!! Thus, Mr. GPL goes from becoming Beckham to Steve McLaren (Mac who??)
Hence, the lives of two main characters change forever. Mr. GPL becomes langda - thts the sole reason of all his lives’ frustrations and he becomes perennially grumpy.
Cut to 4 year’s later. Normal dood loves his wife like hell, his only fault being his normalcy. He likes laughing, wants some action.., likes partying, his work, night life. On-demand tears can’t conceive, is obsessed with cleaning her house and “discussing” things, sheds oodles of tears. (
Common, a normal husband who loves you is such a bore!!
Dum Dum: Usko shaadi mein philosophical satisfaction chahiye..vaah vaah – kyaa adarsh naari hai. Mera saadar pranaam aapko.
GPL obvio is on his hate everything tirade. Normal wife works hard, is overworked, can’t spend enuff time wid her son (4 saal mein ho
Before you think this is headed nowhere and switch to another read, lemme introduce more hogwash. Some tomfoolery about a child kidnapper follows, GPL mouths more insults, antagonizes and scares his kid, ODT (on-demand tears) runs with GPL’s kid, GPL throws a football and knocks her down (our hero is like super man yaar, football ke saath saath handball ke bhi champion hain!!). Both end up in hospital, on-adjacent beds (c’mon – this isn’t coincidence. All foreign hospitals keep inmates with dangerous symptoms – Indians – together). Respective spouses show up, schmooze, take spouses and go. In the interim, more gyaan and “my marriage sucks” cribs flow.
Now, for the life of me I couldn’t figure out in the entire 3.5 hrs of the movie and the two weekend days after my harrowing experience why ODT and GPL had problems in their marriages. Eventually, I am going to lay my troubled mind at rest by believing that they did as they had nothing better to do.
Message no. 2 - Boy, I’ve learnt my lesson! When I get married, I sure am not going to love my wife as hell, work hard to keep her happy – don’t believe whatever marriage advice the elders give you. That must have been applicable in the 15th century. This is the 21st one, be like GPL – the dream husband!!
To save their respective marriages, ODT and GPL become friend’s first, then marriage consultants to each other. Sorry, McKinsey and BCG – you were wrong to think you needed IIM grads for consulting. All you need is insults, tears and a loserly attitude in life. Success guaranteed!!
More hogwash follows. ODT tries to become Madonna from Meera and turns up like a sex-kitten right when the normal dood has invited some 50 of his friends for a party. GPL tries to play masseuse to normal chic and ends up delivering a massage that I am sure must have felt as relieving as having two hammers prod you at weird angles. So much for innovation!!
So, GPL and ODT oscillate between finding reasons to fall in love with each other and trying to revive their marriages. One night both end up taking their respective spouses to some ballet (GPL’s dialog here about men showing off their uh hmm in a ballet actually did make me laugh). ODT gives normal dood a opening by leaning on his shoulder, the dood takes his chance, gets a li’l cosy. GPL in the opposite window seeing this gets livid, starts fiddling with his normal chic. Ballet ends. Paramgyaan dawns on both ODT and GPL that they love each other!!
Next day, it rains. Both meet at the harborfront. ODT feels bad at having played around with her hubby dear. This time, GPL is just grumpy that ODT had sex with normal dood even while he possesses a normal libido and the associated assets. Shouts at ODT, ODT overwhelms even the mighty rainclouds this time (I wonder how the harborfront took the double onslaught! Bhai, amrika mein kuch bhi ho sakta hain..). Just to get even, they go to a hotel only to make out. I think the rain was a li’l too uncomforting, else I was willing to bet all my dollars that we would have seen Tarzan and Jane on the harborfront itself!
Dum Dum: tum pyaar ke bare mein kyaa jaano... jisse pyaar karte ho use kisi aur ke saath dekhke kya guzarti hain, yeh tumhaara engineer dimaag kabhi nahi samjhega, iske liye dil chahiye.
Me: dum dum, mujhe to lagaa GPL ne kahaa uske liye kuch aur chahiye. Tum decide karlo tum kiski side par ho.
Extra-marital affair. Hai rabba!! Kehar barsega ab.
More trash. I have lost about 4000 strands by now. Total theatre count – nearing 0.25 million.
One-fine day, TB and Ms. Kher (who have become friends…Surprise surprise!!) discover the amorous flings of ODT and GPL outside the station. TB suddenly is on the death day the next day. Normal dood is losing the second pillar of his life (first being ODT), breaks down in ODT’s arms, leaving poor old ODT feeling guilty. TB dies. More tears from Mrs. ODT.
Some stats at this moment in the movie,
Volume of ODT’s tears = Volume of water drained by the
No. of insults flung by GPL = No. of runs scored by Sunil Gavaskar in tests (approx. 10000)
Saare fasaad ke jad hi yeh station hain. Na station hota, nay eh dono milte, na dono harkatein karte. I suggest a rebellion – trains ko band kariye, bail gaadiyaan bithaaye public transport mein.
Eventually, GPL and ODT decide that they have done enough timepass and its time to check on their spouses. So, they go back and confess.
Dum dum: sach ki hameshaa jeet hoti hain. Inhone apne aap se uth kar, sach ko hi sanjoya...dhanya hai yeh dono premi.
The normal dood and chic decide they only can be normal and not supernormal. So, normal dood and normal chic lose it - ask both the lovers to leave their house. How cruel!! Atleast they said the truth. Confessed to having an affair and generally having a one-night stand for the heck of it, but now only the normal ones would be their focus.
By now, I am almost praying for someone to stick some chloroform in my face. I am traumatized to the extent that I can’t even sleep in the theatre. (I couldn’t have left earlier, had constraints that had to be complied with).
But guess what, this wasn’t the almost mythical climax of the movie. It is yet to come. Cut to 3 year’s later. ODT and GPL who used to tell each other how they hated the underwear color choices of their other halves, don’t tell each other that they were thrown out. What a shame!!!
Obvio no hindi movie can end in misery. There had to be a good Samaritan making an appearance somewhere. So, normal dood dons the role. Decides to marry an angrez chic (forgive him for giving up on desis). Traces ODT, asks her to become his best man (?? – what is going on!!).
At the wedding, ODT runs into normal chic. Normal chic continues being her normal self, tells ODT that she threw GPL out and that GPL is leaving for
On-demand tears gets to the station, GPL avoids her. Their eyes just meet as the train is leaving. ODT is more morose and sheds more tears. GPL comes back in the next train. More pouting, mushiness follow. Eventually, both love each other and the rest I shall leave to your imagination. Though there’s very little required!!
Message 3: Whoever said fidelity and morality were virtues. Monogamy counts for nothing. Sleep around, get lucky – there will still be hope for you in life…
Moral of the story – learn your lessons and stick to them like dogma. DON’T EVER WATCH A HINDI MOVIE WITHOUT READING THE REVIEWS. Especially, if directed by a gay lunatic and acted in by his gay partner. It is more likely to be a purified version of an orgy than a chapter on relationships and life!!
1 comment:
wow ! u really had time to write such a long and complicated review !!
vella man !
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